I was sitting with my family at my grandfather’s house on Christmas Day when I heard someone mention something about being annoyed with a “Mexican” in the drive thru of McDonalds because he “didn’t speak English.” This was very upsetting for me to hear! I found the comment inappropriate and insensitive, to say the least. I thought I would take this opportunity to educate my disappointingly ignorant family and immediately became aggressive. The first thing I asked was, “How do you know he was Mexican, because he speaks Spanish? Did you know that not all people that speak Spanish are Mexican?” The most disappointing part was when my father, clearly annoyed, asked me, “What do they wanna be called now?” Then, my Aunt’s husband said, “Hispanic, Latino, ‘wetback,” what does it matter?’” I could NOT believe my ears! That was where it got ugly, or should I say, I got ugly. I said, “BECAUSE THEY’RE PEOPLE!” I could go on and on about how I continued to try and argue my point about the difference between Mexicans, Mexican-American, Latino, Ecuadorian-American (like my Aunt’s husband), Chicano and Hispanic, but that isn’t what we’re talking about. Our topic is communication and conflict management.
The problem with my approach was, first, that I let my emotions take over the situation and I did not stop to think before I reacted. A good rule I learned is “S-TLC,” a hyphenated four steps to take in order to communicate effectively and resolve interpersonal conflicts (Cahn, & Abigail, 2007, p. 40). These four steps advise us to Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate. Although Cahn and Abigail’s (2007) prescription for conflict management, S-TLC, are basic communication skills, they are often times the elementary steps we neglect during conflicts, and they can help lead to resolution (p. 40). For my father the issue tends to be listening. He doesn’t actively listen. He seems to, more often than not, wait for his turn to speak rather than listen to what I have to say on this matter. I try to listen to his opinion and find it difficult too, but I try because I want to know what possible argument there is that could ever justify such harmful views of human beings. What I’ve discovered is that they (my family) don’t see the damage in what they say, do or how they think and how it affects the society we live in.
The second mistake I made was trying to present my argument to an audience whose frame of reference did not allow them to understand what I was talking about. You just can’t shove information down peoples’ throats and expect to change their opinions and/or behavior. A better approach would have been to consider my family’s background. There are many aspects of their background to consider, including age, education, income, race, religion, etc. The one that may have been the most effective to utilize in this situation might have been the fact that my grandfather and uncle are both American Indian. I don’t think they would appreciate being called, “rednecks” or stereotyped as “drunks” just as “Mexicans” are stereotyped as “illegals” and criminals. I could have asked my grandfather, respectfully, if he has ever experienced discrimination because of his heritage. That may have proven to be a more successful approach to this conflict. Had we been able to make a connection between the two issues I may have opened up my family’s eyes to see the situation from a different perspective. I, also, could have mentioned how using racial slurs could have really offended my Aunt and her husband because Giovanni is Ecuadorian-American and has spent his life struggling with discrimination, stereotypes and racism despite his legal immigration to this country where he serves us as a Minneapolis police lieutenant.
The road to resolution in this case lies in communication and it isn’t a one-time deal, it’s a process. It is about understanding, patience, understanding, sensitivity, taking responsibility, mutual respect for parties involved, and sharing of knowledge and ideas. Collaborating with someone is the only effective way to resolve disagreements in this particular case (from my experience). My father and I have since negotiated our positions on the matter and try to learn from each other gradually. It isn’t easy, but we’re working on resolution to this conflict without letting it ruin our relationship. Through the experience of working to separate the position my family takes and my family as individuals I have been able to let go of the emotional hurt of their perspective and focus on the conflict at hand, their lack of knowledge and understanding on the matter, which has, essentially, saved these relationships for me. For now, our mutually acceptable solution is to ease our knowledge into conversations and think of our differing views as education versus argument.
Reference
Cahn, D., Abigail, R. (2007). Managing conflict through communication. Pearson Education, Inc.
