Conflicts occur for many reasons. They are due to differences within societies, between the different genders, due to interpersonal relationship issues, religious beliefs, racial and ethnic differences, political beliefs, economic and power issues, age differences and even occur among those of similar background as well. Rich Thomson, Director of Research, CPP, Inc. was quoted by PR Newswire (2008) as saying "Conflict is a normal and essential part of the human condition that [we] should work to manage rather than eliminate. An organization without conflict may also lack that all-important creative spark." Conflict happens in order to negotiate differences, and for this should be viewed in a positive light. These differences can be resolved through communication. This paper will detail my own personal “best practices” approach to conflict resolution through communication based on conflict situations I have experienced in my life, and ones I anticipate could happen in my current or future employment so to provide insight into effective communication devices to solve problems. I enjoy the following quote by Dr. Neil H. Katz who said, “If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. It’s ideal to have more tools in your toolbox than just one hammer” (Schofield, 2008). For me, one who used to rely on the “hammer,” I look forward to developing more effective tools for conflict management.
Before I get into “how” we communicate, for me personally, the best first approach to conflict is to begin with the right frame of mind.
“How people view and engage in conflict plays a big role in whether an issue gets resolved. Some are good listeners and try to hear what their colleagues say. Some people are power freaks; they dig in their heels and refuse to budge from their position or consider alternatives. Their "I win/you lose" philosophy destroys rather than builds trusting relationships” (Bowes, 2008).
I need to remember this, that the resolution potential of a conflict depends on how I view conflict and how I approach it. We need to start looking at conflict as a natural part of life because whether we like to admit it or not, it is a part of our daily lives and conflict will happen whether we want it or not, it is inevitable. We see conflict in our personal lives, at work, at school, and in the societies with which we live. Because of this, it is better to think of conflict as something we should strive to manage effectively versus avoiding it or by letting the process go uncontrolled.
We also need to remember to be responsible for our responses and reactions, and our behavior in conflict situations as those decisions are our choice to control. If we allow ourselves to be accountable it is easier to consider the other party involved and we may reach resolution more efficiently. When we actively try to make conflict a process aimed in the direction of resolution we are making a productive effort and being proactive versus reactive. “In order for one to enter into a state of resolving conflict, one first must be willing to move beyond a past of conviction and blame to a future of positive outcomes and peaceful resolves (Naves, 2006, p.61). This is a good start, but we need to also think about the basics and that major player in bridging our differences, communication.
It is easy to forget the basics when presented with conflict; however, it is these basic communication steps pave the road to conflict resolution. Communication is a major feature of conflict development, management and conflict resolution. Without communication we cannot express our wants, needs or perspectives, nor are we able to listen to or understand the needs, wants or perspectives of another. To achieve progress in the direction of conflict resolution we first begin by stopping and thinking.
To stop and think are both fundamental aspects of communication. To stop and think is to communicate with purpose. We must allow ourselves to pause so that we may determine whether the perceived conflict is real or unreal. We need to stop so that we may determine where the conflict originated, and ask ourselves, what triggered the event, and is there a precedent of this sort of behavior or issue? When we take care to put our emotions in check before engaging in conflict we are better able to address the “real” issue rather than the effects of it, the hurt, or the pain that may have been caused by it. An example of this is any situation where something is said about a subject that is a sensitive issue and you are uncertain how what was said was meant. This happened often for my fiancé and I when we were still in the process of negotiating our roles as parents and figuring out what that meant for our relationship. We made it through these differences successfully by considering each others perspective on being a parent, being in a romantic relationship, and our new responsibilities as a family.
We must then think about the parties involved, and ask ourselves what we need or hope to achieve in the conflict, what are the needs of the other party involved? Gudykunst (2004) says, to manage conflicts we must do three things, “we must focus on the other person as an individual,” “we must be aware of how our expectations…influence our communication,” and “we must adapt our style of communication” (p. 296). If we do not stop to identify the real problem, separate the person from the position they are taking and analyze the issue for what it is we may let raw emotion escalate the issue, blow it out of proportion and potentially move the conflict in the opposite direction of resolution. This could be detrimental to the relationship with the party involved. We cannot manage conflict effectively without taking a step back to analyze the problem for what it is. After we break the problem down we have to listen to the other party to really understand how they feel, and where they stand on the matter at hand.
Listening is a basic communication skill that is taken for granted. Often we think of ourselves as good listeners but in reality we think we understand what the other person is thinking or how they feel and this is not listening.
“Listening is a desire to pay attention to the other person, characterized by openness to the other person’s views, willingness to suspend judgment during the discussion, patience to hear the other out, and empathic response, to the other person, and a commitment to listen to all that the other person has to say” (Cahn, & Abigail, 2007, p. 291).
The more I read over this definition, the more I feel like I have never fully listened to anyone in my life. I always think I know what the other person will say and I often am so busy constructing my counterargument that I neglect to truly hear what the other person in my conflicts are saying and feeling. To find success in conflict resolution we must listen actively. If we don’t cease what we are doing and thinking to open our minds up to what the other party in our conflict is saying, we cannot suspend our judgments and respond empathically. Listening takes commitment. Our other commitment in conflict is to speak effectively.
Communicating effectively, during a conflict, means speaking neutrally, cooperatively, and in a non-threatening manner. We need to choose our words wisely so that the other party involved may gain an understanding of our needs and wants clearly. Crafting a message is not a simple task. To approach conflict effectively we must take care and consideration into how we communicate through speech. If we speak calmly we open the air for a calm response and allow for constructive conversation rather than an argument or heated competitive conflict scenario. Another reason for doing this is when a power imbalance exists between the involved parties.
Sometimes in conflict situations it is beneficial to give up some power to allow the situation to get to common ground and find resolution. This can be accomplished through speech. The “skilled use of language is arguably the number one way that power can be reconfigured” and according to Grillo (2005), “language is frequently the way power gets exercised” (Jones, & Brinkert, 2007, p. 120). This is why we must be conscious of the words and tone we use during conflicts. A mutually satisfying outcome is not likely to come from a situation where a power imbalance exists. This is just one of the many things to consider when approaching conflict management.
Conflict management starts by considering the situation with which the conflict takes place, the roles that style and strategy play, and ends with a reminder to why we confront conflict at all. The benefits to making an effort to confront conflict head on should be motivation to take on the process of conflict resolution and manage it effectively. When facing conflict we need to consider the involved parties, and the occasion itself.
What to consider when faced with conflict depends on the conflict itself and the parties involved. According to Cahn and Abigail (2007), “your ability to understand and analyze conflict situations” helps you to “choose the most effective conflict behavior” (p. 42-43). My personal prescription for conflict management would emphasize not making assumptions. I am guilty of this on many occasions. We don’t know another’s intentions unless we allow ourselves to hear them out. We must consider their side of the situation without these predetermined ideas we allow to roll around in our heads and stew up imagined situations. If we can do this successfully, than we are opening up the situation to the resolution process where a mutual solution with consideration to both parties involved can emerge. Understanding the situation puts us on the right path toward conflict management.
Another aspect of a conflict to consider is our style and strategy. Style and strategy both play a role in a conflict situation and therefore in conflict management. Our style is the strategy or behavior we use most often in a conflict scenario. For me, I employ an assertive style most often. Although this can be an effective style for managing conflict, it is not always appropriate. An example of when one personal style goes horribly wrong when communicating in a particular conflict scenario reminds me of when I was managing a restaurant and therefore in charge of many young servers. One young lady had a tendency to “call in sick” too often. This issue had been plaguing me for some time, although my general manager thought highly of her. One incredibly busy afternoon about a half an hour before her shift she called and sounded upset. She said she could not come in that night and I said, “That isn’t a surprise” and I hung up. I had no idea her grandmother had passed away. I decided because of all that was going on and all of the stress I was dealing with that this little conflict I had with her deserved little sympathy when in reality it deserved sympathy and attention. I learned that you cannot let the past define every situation and listening can stop you from feeling prolonged periods of guilt like the guilt I felt in this situation. Each situation can demand a different strategy and you have to listen to the situation before you react.
In a situation where I may be confronted by an aggressive style or threatened by a potentially violent scenario, avoidance may be the best option or bringing in a third party, as some conflicts turn into disputes that require assistance from a mediator, or arbitrator or some other higher alternative. Conflict management is all about determining what the best direction is, and the best approach. Regardless, the ideal situation would be a collaborative one where the parties involved get to address the situation and add their input. This leads to the most mutually satisfying outcomes.
Not only do we have to consider our own style and employ the appropriate strategy in a conflict situation, we also need to be able to recognize style in others. If we notice that the other party involved is becoming aggressive or is often using an aggressive style we can make the appropriate decision in dealing with that individual. Some people may not realize that they immediately get defensive in situations where they receive criticism and some are not aware of how they respond due to insecurities. Because of this we may approach these types of people with a little more ease so not to arouse these defensive reactions.
When I engage in conflict with my best girlfriend who more often than not avoids conflict, I know that I cannot be assertive when confronting the situation. I need to ask her questions about how she is feeling and listen to her so that I can open doors for myself to critique bothersome behavior. This strategy has been successful and allowed us to maintain a solid relationship for more than sixteen years. Finding what works is what is really important when dealing with conflict. The bottom line is more that we are flexible in our strategy and technique so that we can apply our tactics appropriately. Like I said before, not all conflicts are alike. Some demand more assertive behavior and others are better suited for a compromise. There is no doubt that conflict management takes skill and strategy.
In a work or a personal situation, another reason to consider the strategy used is to determine the goal of the other party. If you are aware of the other parties goals you can alter your strategy and tactics accordingly. Each of the conflict styles may be seen as a basic option for how to proceed in a conflict episode. They may be used in combination and/or changed within a conflict situation” (Jones, & Bickert, 2007, p. 189). This reminds us that not only do we need to identify the best approach going into a conflict, but also be flexible in our ability to change that approach during a conflict to get the best results.
When it is so much work, why do we bother confronting conflict? For me, I like to “nip it in the bud” so that I don’t have to keep dealing with the same problem again and again. I don’t want to be tormented over and over by hurt, stress, or frustration in any relationship or situation. If a situation or relationship isn’t valued high enough to deal with certain behaviors I believe it is sometimes appropriate to remove oneself from it and move on with life, but not if it means allowing yourself to get back into that situation again in time. I also don’t believe that it is always in the intentions of another to create conflict. For the benefit of the other person it is helpful to bring conflict to the surface and to the attention of the other party. They may be tormenting themselves experiencing the same issue over and over in their life. It is for the good of all involved now, those who were involved in the past, and those who will be involved in the future.
Confronting conflict is for the greater good. It is only when we make an effort that we can repair what is aching in a relationship or situation, move on from it and turn that negative into a positive in our life. For example, avoiding my superior at work about his micro managing my work efforts caused me to be less productive and further perpetuated a damaging cycle. Once I spoke to him about giving me a set amount of time to take on my position without interruption and without as many restrictions, I was able to prove the effectiveness of me being given independence and the relationship is stronger because of it and both sides benefited. Now, my work relationship and work situation are both more pleasant as well.
Knowing what it takes to resolve conflict effectively is only the first step to becoming the ideal conflict manager. We must be able to find it in ourselves to apply these methods in real life situations. This takes commitment, a commitment to the other party involved when conflict occurs, a commitment to us so that we may recognize areas that can be improved in us, and a commitment to the process itself.
For me, personally, I need to remember to practice and learn to be a better listener. I often take charge of a conflict by becoming competitive, deciding before the conflict resolution process begins that I will am right and so are my assumptions and expectations of the other person, and what the outcome will be. I also often think that my assertive, straight forward, no sugar coating approach to conflict is right simply because it seems black and white, but it does not consider the emotions of others. This is the wrong approach to conflict. I have weaknesses and I do not always do or say the right things in my relationships. Admitting my shortcomings, for me, is a big step in the right direction. If I can’t see where I am making mistakes, or if I am not willing to acknowledge those mistakes, I cannot change my conflict management approach. Another point to remember is that “conflict styles are also sometimes useful for making sense of larger conflict patterns for self and other” (Jones, & Brinkert, 2007, p. 189).
I vow to be accountable for my behavior and communication in future conflicts.
I know that I can improve on my weaknesses if I take the time to analyze the situation, look at it objectively and break it down until I can see the root of the problem I will be better prepared to approach the situation. Then, once I listen to the other person I will be ready to address the issue from my own perspective and communicate as if in a discussion versus an argument. This means approaching the conflict with a positive attitude and with the proper strategy. I will look for cues to decide the best strategy, but also focus on what would be best for both parties, and not exclusively on how I feel the most comfortable expressing myself. Ideas, opinions and feelings can then be exchanged peacefully, and a collaborative effort may be made so that resolution of the conflict may be possible and also so that the resolution is a mutually satisfying one to the parties involved. This means letting go of my desire to win and look for win-win solution from now on. This, I suspect, will ease the process of conflict resolution for me.
Conflict management is a process. “For resolution to take place you must first develop an attitude for resolution. Without this virtually important factor, you will remain stuck in an array of discord” (Naves, 2006, p.61). By accepting conflict and seeing it as a manageable process through communication I plan to use my personal “best practices” approach and work toward resolving conflict in my life. I will do this by remembering to use basic communication skills effectively, to use the appropriate strategy for approaching conflict, and by learning from past conflicts.
Reference
Schofield, A. (2008, October). Dispute training resolves conflict, promotes harmony. The Business Journal - Central New York, 22(42), 11. Retrieved June 1, 2010, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID: 1597005841).
Bowes, B. (2008, June 11). Resolving conflict to benefit staff; Make it work Find the cause then apply strategy. Daily Gleaner,D.8. Retrieved June 1, 2010, from Canadian Newsstand Complete. (Document ID: 1492801181).
Cahn, D., Abigail, R. (2007). Managing conflict through communication. Pearson Education, Inc.
Gudykunst, W. B. (2004). Bridging differences: effective intergroup communication. Sage Publications, Inc.
Jones, T., & Brinkert, R. (2007). Conflict coaching. Sage Publications, Inc.
Naves, Anita. (2006). Power principles for peaceful living: through anger management, conflict resolution, effective communication & destructive behavior elimination. AuthorHouse.
PR Newswire. (2008). New Study Details Both Crippling and Beneficial Effects of Workplace Conflict on Businesses :$359 Billion in Paid Hours Attributed to Workplace Conflict. (6 October). Retrieved June 1, 2010, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID: 1567883471).
No comments:
Post a Comment